That’s what I want. Romance. A partner, someone to be with, have fun with and to talk to about silly things. I’m not as good alone as I am with someone. Being married for 36 years and then HE LEAVES for God’s sake is horrible. Of course, his leaving was actually dying so I can’t blame him. It was his time – it just wasn’t MINE.
So let’s get practical here. I did some mindful meditation yesterday and the thought I held in my mind was a solution to the above problem. It is a profound sense of loneliness and longing that I feel. I sit in my living room at night (during the day I’m busy) and I wonder if I will be alone every night ……. the rest of my life.
As a self powered person, I know this is self-destructive. No, I won’t be alone the rest of my life, but it’s in God’s hands, not mine how my loneliness and longing are “fixed”.
While I was meditating on my question, I just fell deeper into my loneliness, my longing. I didn’t run away from it. I looked at it and I said, “Well you’re here, you are a thought I can’t get beyond. You stick in my mind ALL DAY long and I’m somewhat sick of you. But you need to, just grow. Take over my being and my life and solve yourself. Because I can’t find anybody. I can find lots of somebodies but they’re not “IT” if you know what I mean. So let’s expand this search, get on with it.”
For me the big problem isn’t a man. LOL there are hundreds of thousands of them and they all want to chat on Instagram or Hangouts or text me. I guess my picture looks good or they just figure I’m an easy kill.
Most of the contacts I’ve had on social media are insanely stupid. Like after 6 days they’ll tell me they love me madly (we have not met) and after 8 days they’ll start asking me to send them iTunes cards or money or something. Hello. I may be lonely but I’m not THAT LONELY. Sure, I’ll send money to someone I’ve never met. I’ll get right on it.
And then I block them. And I get another request for a chat or a simple Hi in my DM box. And see I don’t know if they’re all from foreign countries, these scammer types, or if they’re real. You can’t tell unless you talk to them on the phone. One guy was so convincing and then he called me and I about fell off my chair. I couldn’t understand a word he said. Said he was from Norway and spoke with a heavy Spanish accent. Guess he didn’t know I was a language major. Hmm.
Anyway I’m not sure there is any viable partner material on social media. I think the guys on there are all basically weird. They’re going to turn out weird so why bother.
I’m a problem solver. And this is a problem for me. I do not want to be alone the rest of my life, sitting in my chair knitting 365 nights of the year. I want someone to care for and someone to care for me. Someone to travel with, go out to dinner and maybe dance every now and again. So what am I going to do?
I’m going to stick that Intention in the conscious field and let it grow and resolve itself. I’m going to meditate on it. Witness what I see when I do focus in meditation on this, and I’m going to let go and let God.
Once I set my intention I will not worry it to death with my little mind going “oh is it working, have you solved it yet, why haven’t you sent me somebody, what is wrong with you, don’t you love me God?” You know, that pathetic squirrel mind running around in circles. That mind is shut down for the duration.
And I’m staying open. Open to the fact that a partnership with a loving partner may not be what God has in mind for me. Maybe he has a better plan. And I can live with that. He’ll let me know what it is, especially now that I’ve told him my intention. He’ll let me know, one way or the other, if it’s right or if His intentions for me are better. I can ALWAYS trust in God. I can always pray the prayer that never fails. You know, the I will to will Thy will prayer …………..
Get by with a little help from your God ………….. Namaste, Jennifer